It's been a while...

Yep, it's been a while since I posted. Since I've gotten lots of nice comments from people over the last few weeks, I figure I owe it to you to explain my absence.

"The Event" in August really messed me up. I never realized how much I want to be a mother. Part of me feels so guilty, and in some ways, I feel responsible, even though I know it's not my fault and it probably couldn't have been prevented.

Consequently, I've sort of stayed away from the ED world, including this blog. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I might start updating again tomorrow, I might wait until next year, I might never update again, or I might delete this blog entirely. I haven't decided.

I'm just sort of floating at the moment.

So, there's your explanation. As always, feel free to email me--I might not respond right away (see explanation above), but please know that I do read all of the emails that I get :-)

My favorite

Monique Olsen:



Sorry I still haven't had time to write much. Hopefully things will calm down soon. I'm doing ok.

Quickie

WHEW I've been busy. Lots of stuff happening, both at work and at home. Sorry I didn't update yesterday. Today is going to be brief, too.

I'm doing ok. Weight hasn't changed--a few pounds fell off seemingly overnight, now the number isn't going anywhere. Body fat percentage has come down a bit, I'm at 18.0-18.5% now.

Ava Smith: I don't know much about her. The second photo is way triggering, though.





Ok, now I gotta run... I have a therapist appointment tonight. Hope it goes well.

Three things

First, I want to clarify about commenting v. posting. If you want to email me, please do! I love getting email, and I love getting feedback on my blog (positive or negative!). I just ask that if you have a comment about one of the photos, like, "OMG she's sooo skinny," please post that in the comments section. It's just a little difficult to check my email because new mail has arrived, only to find that it's a random comment that should have been posted here.

Second, FOOD PORN! Sorry, got a little excited there. Not yet. BUT I'm hoping that the next edition of Cascata's Kitchen: The ED Cookbook will have food porny photos of all of the dishes! I had the brilliant idea as I was cooking yesterday. The final results looked so nice, I didn't want to eat (so I didn't ;-). I figured that seeing photos of the dishes might inspire you to actually eat a little tiny something healthy. Either that, or you can just drool. Anyway, it will take a while to make all of the dishes, so it might be the edition after the next edition.

Third, today is going ok. I still have some cals banked so I can eat something for dinner. That's good, because I have a meeting at work today, and I need to be sharp. Unfortunately, I don't have time to go to the gym. Also, I picked a new goal date: Sept. 24th. I want to be back at 120 by then. I'm not beating myself up for gaining (see post on August 29th), but it's time to get back in gear. We'll see how it goes!

Today's beauty is Jeisa Chiminazzo. Haven't featured her in a while. WOW. That's all I got!

Finally, Jeisa before she made it big:

Quite a difference, no?

Out of control

My life feels so out of control. Even something as simple as trying to figure out where and how to keep a journal is overwhelming me. I can keep it at this forum; I can keep it at that forum; I can do it in this blog; I can keep a hard-copy; I can send emails to myself. WTF. Why are simple things like this so difficult? Simple and difficult shouldn't go together.

Plus, I think I'm spending too much time on the computer. This weekend alone it's been hours. I should be doing something useful with my life. Damn it, with the education I've had, I'm wasting the most productive years of my life.

And the thing that sucks the most is that I have no community to support me, probably because I spend so much f*cking time on the computer. I don't even have an ED forum that feels like "home." I used to love RGP, those days are over. I post regularly at six forums, but still, none of them feel ok. I just need to suck it up and stop visiting some of them... put down roots at one. I don't know.

My brain is just swimming. Plus, the days are getting shorter, and I can already begin to feel my moods shifting within me.

Oh, and Blogger is being a bitch, which means that I can't upload photos. I'll edit this post later. The feature of the day is Anastassia Khozzisova.

I'm hungry; I'll drink green tea

Hunger is the worst part of working out. For me, working out is such an appetite stimulant. I would consider taking diet pills, simply to curb the hunger I get after exercising.

But since I think that taking diet pills is a waste of time and money, I'm drinking green tea. My boyfriend said to me this morning, "Maybe the reason I'm so thin is that I'm drinking a lot of green tea these days... isn't that the stuff in a lot of diet pills?" My brain said, "Bingo!" Caffeine is an appetite suppressant (again, for me, I don't know about other people), so if there's something else in there that helps ladies in Asia stay so thin, then I'm all for it.

As an aside, he really is thin, and he is losing weight. This concerns me, because he has digestive problems... plus, he looks scary when he's really skinny. And I get really jealous (I hate to admit that).

Trouble is, it's gross. I miss my Diet Coke (Coke Zero, to be exact).

On to our feature of the day: Olga Serova. She shoots GREAT editorials, but her runway photos are "eh." The first three photos are from supermodels.nl. The last photo is from Aquascutum, fall 2006.

Have I mentioned that green tea is gross?

Another random thought: I have indeed lost at least two pounds, probably three. I never believe the scale until I see the same number several days in a row. My bf% has also dropped a point... I'm steady at a fatty 19%.

Oh rainy day

Not "Oh Happy Day," "Oh Rainy Day." We've got the remnants of Tropical Whatever Ernesto sitting right above us at the moment, and it's raining like the Ark is going to make a comeback. Of course, my motivation to go to the gym is seriously dampened by the rain (pun intended). I hate rainy days.

This morning, I made a food journal, and I'd like to share it with you-all. It's got space for everything that I need (intake, activities, progress toward goal), but I decided to throw in a few extra things, namely a list of resources and a space for motivation. Write in a triggering quote, something that happened that motivated you, paste a photo that inspires you, whatever. The point is that you should spend some time on the journal every day 1) to keep yourself motivated and 2) to keep yourself out of the kitchen.

I'd really appreciate feedback on it... are there things that you'd like to see added? Taken away?

Oh, and before I forget, here's the link. I'm going to keep all of the downloads together from now on (so this means Cascata's Kitchen: The ED Cookbook, the food journal, and whatever else I cook up... God, my puns are terrible... or buns... because I haven't lifted my legs in a while... oh I'm such a nut case!).

On to today's photos! The lovely Iselin Stiero has the BEST legs in the business. I could drool over them all day long.

Nice stomach, no? I bet you can see veins... gross, but triggering...

And here she is at Chloe for Spring 2006...

I haven't been lifting at the gym, just cardio, but she may have changed my mind about that plan...